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AUDITION MONOLOGUES
and how to prepare for auditions
by
Adam Darius
Excerpt from Chapter 2:
Dramatic monologues for men
DEATH IN SARAJEVO
Approximate time: two minutes
Age category: 21-35
(Abruptly awakened from sleep and jumping out of bed)
Dragan, what is this? What the hell are you up to? Zoran, Dusan, are you all out of your minds breaking my front door down? Put those guns away! Get rid of those knives! No, I won't shut up. Listen to me, you have to listen to me!
The four of us are friends! I know you, Dragan, since we were little children. We went to school together, we used to play together, and when we grew up, we worked at the same job together.
What's come over you? Why are you looking at me like that? What do you want with me, my family? No, I can't believe, and I won't believe you want to do this! Stop! Stop this insanity! Get out of here this second!
Dragan, how can you want to kill someone who once was your closest friend? What have I done to you? Nothing. What crime have I committed? None. Or is it a crime that I'm a Muslim and you're all Christian? So what? Who cares? That's not a licence to murder!
That's not true, Dragan! I'm not responsible for killing your brother! It was horrible what they did to him, but I had nothing to do with it. Neither did my wife nor child! Now, please, please, go home! Killing us won't bring your brother back!
Look, you've paralyzed my wife with fear! Do you enjoy terrifying helpless and screaming two-year-olds?
Dragan, don't do this, in the name of God, please don't do this, put those knives away! Please, I...
(Stabbed in the chest, he falls to the floor in agony.)
I... used... to... love... you... Dragan, and... you... used... to... love... me... too... Damn you... damn... all... of... you... to... hell!...
(A burst of gunfire stops him mid-sentence as he slumps to the floor, dead.)
Excerpt from Chapter 5:
Comic monologues for women
DEEP THROAT
Approximate time: two and a half minutes
Age category: 21-25
Hello, Rick, can you hear me? I'm calling from the bus. It's just past 5 o'clock now and so crowded I can hardly talk. Anyway, I'll be home in less than 15 minutes.
...What's that? Rick, this isn't a good connection. I'll speak a little louder. Is that better? Gee, everyone's looking at me. It's like they never saw anyone using a mobile on public transport.
Listen, Rick, I need to tell you something... Well, serious enough. I just had a run-in at the dentist, no, not with the dentist himself, but with his old bag of an assistant. He had begun drilling one of my front upper teeth. Seconds later, this stupid assistant of his put the sucker so far down my throat I gagged. I jumped up from the horizontal position I was lying in so I could spit out, but my back muscles weren't up to such a sudden sit-up. I think I dislocated my vertebrae or disc, I'm not sure which. So now, not only is my mouth swollen, but my back is out of whack!
Rick, can you hear me? Okay then, so I grabbed the sucker from the dental assistant and tried to shove it into her own fat face. The dentist pulled us apart, no easy task, let me tell you! I told the dentist where to go and left. Can you imagine? I go to the dentist with a bad tooth and leave with a worse back!
One second, Rick, there's a little twerp sitting next to me who's bothering me. Can you hear him? He's telling me to shut up or speak softer. One second while I talk to him. "Hey dickhead, it's a free country and I'll talk as loud as I want. I'm paying the bill for this mobile and I also paid for the ticket to get on this bus, so bog off!"
Back to that crazy dental assistant, Rick, do you think I can sue for medical malpractice? Or is it called negligence? Whatever the term is, I want compensation! My back is killing me!
Hold on a minute... "Listen, mate, can't you hear I'm having a personal conversation? I'll talk to my husband as long as I want to!"
Oh, another thing, Rick, did they come in to fix the radiators? ... No? That's no excuse. I'm going to phone them right now and give them a piece of my mind! They were supposed to do it last...
Oh, my God, Rick, the guy who told me to shut up is threatening me! He just said he's going to ram the bloody mobile down my throat! Rick, call the police! Conductor, help! A-a-g-g-h-h!
In UK £9.95
In Finland 16 euros
Paperback, 128 pages
45 photographs
ISBN 951-98232-0-4
Published 2000
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